Monday, December 31, 2012

Hopes for 2013

This year has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, I must say!  A lot of things that I was unprepared for happened, making me take stock of things.  It seems silly to even say that I was not ready for so many changes, at least the ones that had to do with my CMT...such as having to permanently retire because of its progression.  You would think I had become an expert, ready for all the twists and turns this disease leads you through.  But I'm not an expert, as much as I'd like to think I am.  In a lot of ways, I'm like a person who finally passed the 'height requirement' for this ride, only to find out that drinking a 16oz grape-flavored Big Gulp before I got on, was a REALLY BAD IDEA.

But those unexpected changes have led to others, and in an effort to find myself again I have found the keys to doors I thought were locked...or at least, the doors were too heavy to open.  I was able to tap into the creative side of myself that had become dampened over the last few years, focusing on artwork and writing in a way I had never done the past, it was always too easy to put those things aside, because of other priorities.  Now all of sudden I had all the time in the world to pursue these creative new paths.  Sounds great, right?  Almost novel-worthy...I just wish it had happened that smoothly.

I pride myself on my honesty, however, especially on this blog...and it didn't happen smoothly.  The new path is rocky and a lot of it is still dark, so I'm doing my best to navigate...and part of me still wishes for the old me who seemed more independent, if only because that 'me' could collect a weekly paycheck.  That roller coaster I mentioned?  It's a doozy!  There were a lot of tears and emotions I had in the beginning; mostly fear.  The tears have pretty much subsided (for the most part,) though the fear is still kind of lives in the back of my brain, lurking there in my subconscious.  Every so often it makes itself heard and makes me hold my breath while it whispers to me...what does my future hold?  What will happen if my health...really, you get my point.  But I will never get complete answers to those questions, so the best I can do is have faith that everything happens for a reason.  And then I grip my paint brushes tighter, and turn the whispers off.

Along with my own roller coaster experience, there have been things happening in the world around me that are also out of my control.  Some of these things have been bitter sweet, such as my oldest niece making the decision to become a Marine...she left for boot camp before Christmas, and my worries for her safety mix with my tremendous pride in her bravery.  I have no doubt that she will succeed and go far in her future endeavors, and as much as I'd like to tie her to a chair until she decides to become an accountant, I can't do that...again, I just have to have faith.  Outside of my own family and my own worries however, are the tragedies going on in our own country...the turns and loops on this ride growing ever more dangerous, the tears flowing harder than before.  Again I know I need to have faith that everything happens for a reason...want that faith desperately, in fact.  Though I find myself having to reach further for it now...I have been shaken on this ride.  And so I have painted...and painted...and painted some more, because the ride is not stopping anytime soon.  It is life after all, though there are many days I just wish it would slow down and smooth out.  I haven't known what else to do but paint, hoping it would help me find that faith again...find the answers I'm searching for.  The painting below is the first one that came about because of my searching, though I can't say I have any more answers now than I did when I started creating it.  It is called When Angels Weep.

My hopes for 2013?  There are many, of course.  I hope I find answers about my future that are more concrete than wisps of cotton candy.  I hope I find healing for this disease that is surprising and unexpected, and manage to raise CMT to a new level of awareness than ever before, in the meantime.  Those hopes are a given and will always be there, and I would be lying if I said that the recent troubles in the world have made them disappear altogether...though they have dulled as of late, and have joined the fears that whisper in my ear when I least expect it.  My hopes for America seem somehow more out of my reach than the hopes for myself...that things start to make some sense again.  That the answers which are needed for our country to find healing are found, and the decisions for peace are made.  I hope...I hope...I hope.

My latest painting was born out of that hope, I suppose, in an effort to create life in a world that remains so tenuous.  It's a 'tree of life' painting, called Life Grows On.  I created it because I wanted to put something peaceful out into the world; something growing.  I am also hoping that doing this will help to remind me of the positive experiences of 2012, and that my faith is soon caught tight in my grasp once again.  I wish you all the same...and a Happy, healthy New Year full of laughter, life and love.  May 2013 be a wonderful year for all of us!

Happy New Year!


  1. You are a gift to all of us. Don't stop hoping.

  2. (How did I miss this post??)

    At the risk of sounding like a fortune cookie, I believe that hope is what fuels mankind.

    Happy (belated) New Year lady!

    1. You too, Nic! And you may have missed it because when I tried to post it on Facebook it was giving me we post a picture? No picture? How big should the picture be? Lol :-) Glad you got to read it, and I think you're right...hope does fuel mankind!