But those unexpected changes have led to others, and in an effort to find myself again I have found the keys to doors I thought were locked...or at least, the doors were too heavy to open. I was able to tap into the creative side of myself that had become dampened over the last few years, focusing on artwork and writing in a way I had never done before...in the past, it was always too easy to put those things aside, because of other priorities. Now all of sudden I had all the time in the world to pursue these creative new paths. Sounds great, right? Almost novel-worthy...I just wish it had happened that smoothly.
I pride myself on my honesty, however, especially on this blog...and it didn't happen smoothly. The new path is rocky and a lot of it is still dark, so I'm doing my best to navigate...and part of me still wishes for the old me who seemed more independent, if only because that 'me' could collect a weekly paycheck. That roller coaster I mentioned? It's a doozy! There were a lot of tears and emotions I had in the beginning; mostly fear. The tears have pretty much subsided (for the most part,) though the fear is still there...it kind of lives in the back of my brain, lurking there in my subconscious. Every so often it makes itself heard and makes me hold my breath while it whispers to me...what does my future hold? What will happen if my health...really, you get my point. But I will never get complete answers to those questions, so the best I can do is have faith that everything happens for a reason. And then I grip my paint brushes tighter, and turn the whispers off.
Along with my own roller coaster experience, there have been things happening in the world around me that are also out of my control. Some of these things have been bitter sweet, such as my oldest niece making the decision to become a Marine...she left for boot camp before Christmas, and my worries for her safety mix with my tremendous pride in her bravery. I have no doubt that she will succeed and go far in her future endeavors, and as much as I'd like to tie her to a chair until she decides to become an accountant, I can't do that...again, I just have to have faith. Outside of my own family and my own worries however, are the tragedies going on in our own country...the turns and loops on this ride growing ever more dangerous, the tears flowing harder than before. Again I know I need to have faith that everything happens for a reason...want that faith desperately, in fact. Though I find myself having to reach further for it now...I have been shaken on this ride. And so I have painted...and painted...and painted some more, because the ride is not stopping anytime soon. It is life after all, though there are many days I just wish it would slow down and smooth out. I haven't known what else to do but paint, hoping it would help me find that faith again...find the answers I'm searching for. The painting below is the first one that came about because of my searching, though I can't say I have any more answers now than I did when I started creating it. It is called When Angels Weep.
My latest painting was born out of that hope, I suppose, in an effort to create life in a world that remains so tenuous. It's a 'tree of life' painting, called Life Grows On. I created it because I wanted to put something peaceful out into the world; something growing. I am also hoping that doing this will help to remind me of the positive experiences of 2012, and that my faith is soon caught tight in my grasp once again. I wish you all the same...and a Happy, healthy New Year full of laughter, life and love. May 2013 be a wonderful year for all of us!
|Happy New Year!|