There are days when I am thankful for the struggles I've been given, because I know they have helped to shape me into the person I am today. And there are other days when I would like to do nothing more than rip this CMT right out of me, stomp it flat and chuck it out the window...and then fly to an island and hide so it can never find me again!
Now, I know that's a silly thought to even waste my time having, but sometimes I just can't help it. Another dream I often have is that Johnny Depp will walk into my apartment one day and say "Put down that scrub brush, Christine...let ME do your dishes. I'm here to take care of you!" Don't worry...I'm under no illusions that Johnny will give up acting anytime soon in order to do my chores, nor do I expect to be living in an island paradise tomorrow, free and clear of struggle. But it's nice and sometimes necessary to let the mind wander...if nothing else, it lightens the mood! And who knows what the future brings?? Within the next few years there may be a medication that stops CMT in its tracks...someday there may even be a CURE. And Johnny may soon get the uncontrollable urge to vacuum my carpets. C'mon...it could happen!!
Why am I even having these silly thoughts? Well, I am still in the process of trying to qualify for extra assistance now that I can no longer work...still caught up in the long, drawn out--jumping through hoops of fire--tightrope walking--wrestling alligators to the ground, process. It's extremely frustrating, and I know from experience that it's far from over. I've been told in the past that it's complicated and frustrating on purpose, in the hopes that I (or others like me) will give up...though possibly the 'Powers That Be' should have gotten to know me better, before making that assumption. I may be tired and my energy may be limited, but I've never been one to give up without a fight. I have to keep fighting, and breathing, and moving forward. When I explore the alternatives, what choice do I have?
As you know, I've been concentrating on my painting and trying to find my way on this new path that has opened up to me...and as I came home, angry and tired from everything, I looked at my easel. You see, I had started my latest painting last night--the vision of the final product already finished in my head. And even before I saw the painting, I heard the title. That's always how my ideas come to me; I get a title in my head, and when I ask myself how I would paint such a thing, the vision comes...and even though some are foggier than others, this one was clear as day. It involves a butterfly, which represents the achievement of positive change through struggle...and it's called Breaking Free from Life's Chrysalis. I think I needed to come home and see it, and be reminded of what is possible.
Will I keep getting frustrated? I'm almost positive...there are some feelings you just can't stop. And I'll work through them, gripping my paint brushes a little tighter to my chest...and when that doesn't work, I'll take a breath, pop in a DVD and watch Edward Scissorhands. When you're faced with struggle and fighting to make changes, you do whatever you have to do to find your way. So as I take stock of things and breathe a little easier, I share with you this work in progress. May it show you what is possible in your own life, and remind you to never give up...especially in times of struggle.