Growth and Change

I have to share a progress report of how my squash and pepper plants are doing, as I have managed to keep them alive and have become quite the proud gardener!  The pepper plant continues to flourish, and there are so many peppers on it the number is hard to count...right now, I'm just waiting for them to turn yellow so that I can pick them.  My yellow squash plant is flourishing as well, and I was actually able to pick my first squash.  As any proud parent of a bright yellow squash, I of course took photos before completely devouring it.  As you will see, it's about the size of a pencil.  Isn't it lovely?

Tasted good, too!  My thumb is turning greener by the minute, the old black mold has been washed away...and I have become a gardening Goddess!!!  Plants grow before me--larger and riper with sunlight and water...and the gentle loving touch of my gardening, Goddess--like fingertips!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA A-HAHAHAHA!!!!!  haha...ahem...sorry.  Got a little excited there, for a minute!

As with plants, there is constant growth and change throughout life...some for the worse, and some for the better.  When it comes to my plants I have learned the signs that show me it's time to prune...by cutting off the dead leaves that take up space, or the huge green ones that suck up all the nutrients so that the smaller, weaker leaves can't get any.  Living with daily challenges also teaches you how to recognize these signs when it comes to yourself...you learn which activities are easy, which ones are hard but adaptable, and which activities you need to give up doing all together.  In other words, you learn how to prune your life (just as you prune your plants.)  That can really be hard!  No one enjoys giving up activities they like, and even the daily chores you may despise aren't always easy to give up (when you're being forced to because of inability to complete them.)  And if you aren't paying attention to these signs, often the little changes that can add up to so much get overlooked until one day the differences slap you in the face.  Having CMT can sometimes be like that, as tiny little changes can cause little 'problems' throughout the body that sometimes add up to HUGE changes in the future...that are even harder to deal with.

I recently attended our latest CMT support group meeting, which was a very informative one.  Dr. Micheal Shy, a Neurologist from Detroit and an expert on CMT came to speak with us.  Yes, I said that...an expert on CMT.  Can you believe it??  Thank you Lord...they do exist!!   Dr. Shy gave a very in depth presentation on the many types of CMT (I won't go into all of them right now as it can be confusing,) symptoms of each type, therapy that is helpful--and he also spoke of the current research that is being conducted by the CMTA STAR program.  We were able to watch videos of patients Dr. shy has worked with who display different types of CMT...many of the symptoms these videos presented were familiar.  I found myself nodding my head during some of these and thinking Oh, yeah...I have that.  Though other videos demonstrated the types of CMT that aren't so common, where the patient might walk normally and not display any outward symptoms...but then suffer sudden problems such as numbness throughout their entire arm for many days, because they changed a light bulb and held their hand up in the air for too long.  If I thought my life was difficult having to adapt to the way I do daily things, and live with the changes in my physical being that stick around...well, I can't even imagine having to adapt to sudden and severe symptoms that could show up at any time!  I'm sure you'd learn certain things you could and couldn't do...but there would always be those new issues that would suddenly arise.  It shocked me to see that, yet also taught me how lucky I have been.  I am not a person who is good with surprises...I'm a planner.  And if I couldn't have some plan on how to adapt to the changes in my life...well, that's just too scary to contemplate.  When those moments come up in my future causing me to give up another task I enjoy (and I'm sure there will be more of them,) I will be upset...I'm not going to pretend otherwise.  Though I hope after learning what else is out there that I WON'T have to deal with, those moments will run a little smoother.

At the end of our meeting I went up to shake hands with Dr. Shy, and told him he was the first neurologist I actually liked.  He laughed, and although he may have left there thinking I was strange, it had to be said.  I haven't had the best luck when it comes to dealing with people in that field of the medical community, so it was nice to have a different experience!  It gave me some new things to think about, and new information on CMT.  Having this disease doesn't give you the green light on CMT knowledge, even though you may rate high in personal experience.  It is good to have my eyes opened a little wider about what I'm facing, and possible changes for the better that may be in my future...and I'm waiting with my pruning sheers for whatever comes my way!

One Step at a Time

I think my brain took a vacation, without my consent.  That is, I'd realized (since Scout's passing) that it wasn't working like usual...and I guess that's normal, though incredibly frustrating!  I even attempted to start my weekly post a few times, and after sitting in front of a blank screen for 20 minutes or so, finally gave up...the words just weren't there.  Usually stories are running through my head just waiting for my hands to touch the computer keys so they can come out, but alas...the past couple of weeks, there has only been white noise.

Things are slowly getting better, though I still have my moments...I've had to adapt to my new found confusion by leaving myself notes such as LUNCH! taped to my front door handle, to remind myself to bring a lunch to work.  Quite often I've been at a complete loss after wandering into my bedroom, because for the life of me I couldn't remember why I was there.  The worst happened just a few days ago as I was getting myself breakfast, and grabbed a bowl for my cereal.  At this point I had already fed Shay his morning meal, and he was lounging in the sun.  Before I knew it, instead of cereal I had scooped a big dollop of his cat food into the bowl instead.  (Luckily I realized what I had done before I ate any...that certainly would have been a rude awakening!)  And so it continues, one step at a time.  Shay and I are helping each other get through this change and cuddling as much as possible...and as long as I remember to open the cat food cans when it's time to eat, he's fairly happy!  

As I attempted once again to write a post for this week, I realized I did have a story to share...though with everything else going on it had taken a back seat.  More progress has been made on the CMT front, I am happy to report!  A few weeks ago I met with Beth Wright--Community Liaison for Senator Roy McDonald, to discuss this disease and ask for a resolution from the NYS Senate to have September designated as CMT Awareness month.  Though the meeting is somewhat hazy for me (most of my mind was at home with Scout,) I believe it went well...and I discovered that when you have something else you're worried about, normal fears and anxieties tend to go out the window!  Thankfully my friend and CMT group leader M was able to attend, which was very helpful...along with my father, who set up the meeting.  Together we were able to provide insight on this disease and bring to light our struggle to raise awareness.  Ms. Wright asked many questions which were wonderful, and she truly seemed interested in hearing what we had to say about CMT.  I must admit I don't remember much about what occurred, other than the fact that I was able to answer the questions asked of me...and I didn't make a fool of myself, which is always a good thing.  And M was able to share our attempts in the past to raise funds for CMT research, and the difficulties in this undertaking...after all, it can be quite a struggle to raise awareness and money for a disease that many people have never even heard of!  Charcot Marie Tooth disease is not yet recognized at the same level as other neurological diseases...and we still have a long way to go.  I'm sure anyone reading this has heard of Multiple Sclerosis, Muscular Dystrophy and Parkinson's disease, and yet many of you may not have heard the term 'CMT' before reading this and other blogs that discuss it.  One statement that M made at the meeting as she explained how difficult it can be to raise money for research, is something I will never forget.  She said "We shouldn't have to sell baked goods to raise money and awareness for CMT."  And she's right.  Thank you, M, for coming to the meeting and for saying that--it really hit home with me.  If any of my readers would like to check out another great CMT blog and learn even more about this disease, go to:  http://cmtnyus.wordpress.com/.   

I can imagine the many steps we will have to take to achieve the recognition we so desperately need (especially within the medical community,) so that people with CMT can be properly diagnosed and care/treatment can begin.  Sometimes that journey seems very long!  Though as the saying goes, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" Lao Tzu.  And it will never be completed without placing one foot in front of the other and taking that first step.  I guess that is true with any path you follow in life whether it involves a personal cause, a dramatic life change, and even grief...you just have to keep taking that next step, and continuing on your way.  So that is what I will keep doing, even if I have to leave myself a note from time to time...to just keep MOVING!

In Memoriam

This post is dedicated to my beloved cat, Scout, who passed away on July 7, 2011.  She was and always will be one of the brightest spots in my life, and I miss her dearly!  Writing for me as always, is a source of healing...and although it is very hard to write this and think about the great loss I am feeling, it is also necessary.  Above all, Scout deserves my tribute...she has been a big part of my life for so long, and has certainly earned a place in my heart.  So as a last memorial to her, let me share a few things about my sweet little girl!

As I've mentioned before, Scout was disabled...by a bad reaction to anesthesia when she was four years old.  I first got her when she was only four weeks old, so I was able to watch her grow and change for 13 beautiful years...before her disability, and after.  Scout taught me quite a few things throughout her life.  One of these things was to never stop fighting, no matter how scared you are; no matter what changes may come.  She was definitely a fighter, and as her little body changed and daily tasks became more difficult, Scout continued to rail against the changes.  She taught me that giving up is not an option...when life throws more at you, you adapt and keep moving.  I've had to do quite a lot of that in life as my own physical changes have continued to arise, and I always looked to Scout as an example of what was possible.  She never gave in...even when it became impossible for her to walk like a normal cat.  Scout was never a normal cat...and so instead of giving up when walking got harder, she learned to hop like a rabbit.  When hopping got too tiring to do for very long Scout learned to rest in between, and take breaks...and sometimes would drag herself along to get where she needed to be.  I realize how this sounds; very upsetting and disheartening...and yet, Scout was happy.   She had no time for depression.  She was the first one to greet me in the morning with a meow that spoke volumes..."Good morning Mommy!!  WHY aren't you up yet, putting food in my dish??" and the last one to meow a "Goodnight, Mommy...I love you!"  And no matter where I was in the house Scout would make her way there to be with me, talking to me and keeping me company.  Probably the biggest lesson Scout taught me was this: that love can truly be unconditional, if only you allow it to be.  She always looked past my physical being, and didn't care that my body didn't work like it should...or that I might not always look or feel my best.  Scout's tiny body and big meows spoke volumes to me, and she continued to show her love for me in a hundred little ways.  I in turn saw the changes in her physical self, though I also saw that tiny little face with those bright eyes looking back at me.  Despite the many changes, she couldn't have been more beautiful to me, and I loved and adored her!

Those last moments with Scout are ones I will never forget, and I pray that my mind proves solid up until my own last moments on this earth...so that I may hold onto my memories forever.  As I sat with her I tried to convey all the years of laughter and joy she bestowed upon me, so she would realize what a gift she was...I spoke to Scout about the first moment I saw her, when she was so tiny she barely fit into my hand.  I told her how much laughter she brought into my life with all the crazy things she would do as a young kitten, such as eating the carbon heads off the matchsticks I used, to light candles at night...after which she would stuff the sticks under my area rug.  There were about 50 headless sticks under there before I realized what was going on!  Story after story I shared, letting Scout know how much she was loved, and how much I would miss her.  Most important of all I let her know, tearfully, that it was okay to leave...and finally, silently, she was gone.

I always thought that the most precious moment in my life was the one where Scout walked into it, but I was wrong...what was even more precious was being able to hold her one more time, at the moment she stepped out of it.  I will always cherish that last chance with her, and be forever grateful for what was truly a gift.  God bless you, sweet baby...for you are now free from all your challenges.  I know you are running and jumping now, happy and finally at peace.  Thank you so much, Scout, for being part of my life...I love you, and forever hold you in my heart!

September 1, 1997 ~ July 7, 2011

Show Your Support!

My favorite store in Schroon Lake is the Town Store.  No matter how long I am at camp, I always manage to stop there before traveling back home.  It's not a chain, and it's not huge.  You can't get every item there, and every visit is unique...as you walk through the different sections you can see the work of local artists and crafters.  Some items are not your style, and some make you dig down deep in your pockets to see if you have enough money for purchase.  The prices are not too high, and I never leave there without buying something...even if it's a simple piece of fudge.  Though most of all, the Town Store and other 'mom and pop' stores like it are not physically overwhelming.  I can wander through the merchandise on my own time without feeling exhausted by the size of the place or the amount of people in it, and my ears are not ringing from the noise.  The larger chain stores (although the cheapest prices may be offered,) can seem like the size of two football fields, making me tired before I even start walking.  And because of all the people running through the store who are desperate to grab the best deals in record time, I constantly need to be aware of my surroundings.  It is quite easy for a person who has CMT and limited balance to get knocked to the ground, in someone's frantic attempt to get $2 off a large tube of hemorrhoidal ointment.  I have learned the hard way to move to the side on occasions like this...for when someone is that desperate, it's best to just stay out of their way!

So let me tell you about my most recent experience to one of the large chain stores.  I went there specifically because I needed a new airbed for guests, and this store offered the best deal.  I had a few more items on my list, though luckily these were also on the same side as the bed...so I was confident that my trip would be a short one, with limited walking time.  Oh, ignorance is bliss...isn't it??  And so my story begins...as I park at one end, putting myself close to that entrance but away from the mayhem of speeding cars and crowds of people.  I make my way to the store only to find orange cones blocking my access, and a tiny sign stating that the entrance I chose 'will be closed till July 11th due to renovations'...sigh.  So I start making my way toward the other set of doors, approximately two football fields away.  Finally I'm there, though my relief is short lived as I enter and grab my cart...for now I'm at the opposite end of where I need to be.  Even bigger SIGH...and I start making my way back toward the 'bed and bedding' section on the other side to find my airbed and eventually gain my freedom.  Attempting to maneuver my way around the crowds of people, I can see the airbeds ahead of me...oh, thank GOD!    I'm so close, I can almost see myself back in my car and driving away!  And then once again my access is blocked...by a woman with her four screaming children, who (instead of watching her kids) is busy making a phone call to her BFF to share the latest news and gossip in her life.   **SIGH!!**  I carefully make my way around them, trying not to get knocked over by the kids who are now chasing each other, and grab my item as quickly as possible.  Working my way toward the 25 registers that line the front of the store, I grab the small items that remain on my list and get ready to stand in line.  But...wait a minute.   I stand near register 25, looking for one that's open...and things start to get a little blurry.   The only registers that are open are ALL the way at the other end, each with long lines stretching into the store.  Right about now, I realize I need to lay down...and consider for a moment doing just that, right on the floor.  I don't even care if I get trampled at this point, that's how tired I am!  But instead I straighten my shoulders, and start the long walk toward registers 1 and 2.  I choose what I hope will be the quickest line, and settle in for what will be a very long wait.  I think that's when the cell-phone talking woman with her running, screaming children get in line behind me...making me cringe as she continues her personal conversation and her kids start grabbing candy bars off the shelves.  Don't they sell GUNS here, in the hunting section? I think to myself...I should have grabbed one of those.

Finally, blessedly, I am at the front of the line.  I quickly pay for my purchases, and head for the door...freedom is so close I can taste it!  I try to wait patiently next to the cones that are also blocking half of the exit (remember the renovations?) and search for an open spot in the crowds of people streaming into the store.  Two young men are part of this crowd, the waists of their pants hanging precariously around their knees...displaying their fashionable choices in underwear.  Bleach...I should have bought BLEACH for my eyes.  One of these men is carrying a box, lightly held together with duct tape.  Just as I think I see an opening, a store clerk stops them and asks what is in the box.  Mumbling an answer they continue into the store, causing the clerk to stop them again and repeat her question.  As I skirt around them and run for the door one of the underwear-clad men starts yelling and swearing at the clerk.  Proving once again that a store like this one is just too big for me, and if I ever need another airbed it will be worth the extra $10 to get it from a small, quiet store...and possibly crucial to my very survival!

I shared this story because it's funny, and I love funny...especially if it's true.  That is the best type of humor--the true humor of life!  Though I also shared this story for another reason, as we head toward the July 4th holiday.  Many of us will be getting together with friends and family, and will be running out for those last minute items...hot dogs and buns, party favors, even barbecues.  Together we celebrate America and our freedom...with parties, fun and fireworks!  So when you are hurrying to grab those last few items to make your celebration a great one, consider stopping by that mom and pop store around the corner instead of driving on past.  During this time of economic crisis, the small stores need your support more than ever...their personal service is always welcome, and their prices may even surprise you!  So on this Independence Day, show your support for the small businesses of America...as they are what make this country great!  Happy 4th of July, everyone!   

And Life Goes On...

Ahhh...vacation!  It can be uplifting, inspiring...desperately needed, and sometimes even tiring.  As wonderful as it is to drive off to your vacay destination, sometimes it is just as exciting to drive back home!  My sister recently sent me an e-mail regarding stress, and the benefits of putting your burdens down.  Using a glass of water, the instructor in the story talked about the heaviness of the glass and its contents...if one were to hold it for a short time, it would be no problem.  If one were to hold it for a long time, they would start to develop pain.  Your stress and burdens in life can do that to you--they can cause pain and worry, and sometimes we just have to put them down.  Taking a vacation can be a way of letting go of those burdens, though I think the key to living a happy life is to learn how to set the stresses down whenever possible...even though you may have to pick them up later.  I haven't quite developed that skill completely, though I continue to work on it...and though some of my stresses followed me to Schroon Lake, I am better for the time away!

So what did I do?  Well, I slept in as much as possible, catching up on the sleep I never seem to get enough of...I played Yahtzee with my mother and declared myself the Yahtzee champion of the universe (she, however, did not agree!)  We watched some movies and many episodes of 'House Hunters' on HGTV.  And I tried to get as many photos as I could of the cats enjoying themselves, and even managed to get some beautiful outdoor shots before the rains came.  My older baby (sweet little Scout,) had a rough beginning to our vacation, but luckily things calmed down for her and we were able to enjoy some time on the front porch.  Here's a picture of Scout sleeping next to me on the wicker couch, as we listened to the birds.  Isn't she lovely?  Shay also adored the front porch, and spent the week running in and out of it, exploring all the sounds and smells.  Here's one of my favorites...mostly because he stood still long enough for me to take it!  I think I may frame this one.  It shows Shay's greatest gift, which sometimes can also drive me a little nuts...his never ending curiosity!

My friend (and CMT group leader) M, provided one of the highlights of my time at camp.  She was able to join me, luckily for the two days of good weather that we had...this allowed us to go out exploring, and take some beautiful photos.  Together, we walked through the town of Schroon and took some nice shots of the area, then went shopping at the town store...afterward, we rested on a bench and ate fudge while watching kids swimming in the lake.  You just can't beat that!  One of my favorite pictures I took in town was this one, of a huge piece of driftwood resting on shore...when you're looking for true beauty, sometimes it can be found in the simplest of ways!

The following day was even brighter, and as the sun beat down on us we took a drive...stopping along the way to take photos of the local scenery.  We ended up in Keene at a spot called Split Rock, full of cliffs and waterfalls that end in a big pond.  If you are full of bravery (and lacking in smarts,) you may climb out on the different levels of rocks and jump down to the smaller ponds that lay below.  Personally I like to show my bravery in other ways, while keeping my neck intact...so I was happy to walk along the side behind the fence, snapping my camera.  Here's my favorite pic of Split Rock, from the safety of the walking path!

So my vacation finally ended...and I gathered my things, the cats and all their paraphernalia and loaded us into the car.  Though it is not easy to travel with two cats, litter boxes, food and water fountains (and multiple pee pads,) it is well worth it.  We all enjoy the serenity of Schroon, and we were all in need of a little serenity!  I must admit, the trip wore us out a little...so we're using the rest of this weekend to recover.  Though most of all, those burdens were set down (even for a short while,) and we got some much needed rest.  Scout is still resting, as you can see!

And despite the fact that it was postponed for a little while, my regular life has gone on.  I had e-mails to sift through, mail to open, messages to return.  Tomorrow I go back to work, and though thinking of that makes me want to go take another nap, I do look forward to seeing everyone I work with!  And as always, things have continued with CMT, and raising awareness...mostly due to the continued efforts of M.  (I'm very glad she took a couple days to rest and relax up at camp, with no internet and no conference calls...she needed to let go of her burdens too!)  While I was away we received another resolution signed by Governor Cuomo, designating September as CMT Awareness Month, and we continue to progress toward that goal.  So as my first official act of getting back into the swing of things, I wanted to pass on information about our upcoming CMT Awareness Night Event with the Valley Cats.  Let's continue to raise money for CMT research, and help awareness grow...come join us for some baseball, food and fun!  If you are interested in purchasing tickets, click on this link. It's for a great cause, and you won't be disappointed!   http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=186519868067404

I hope you all enjoyed my vacation photos, as much as I enjoyed collecting them.  Most of all, I wish for you the ability to set down the stresses in your life, by letting go of your burdens...whether you are on vacation, or knee deep in reality.  It rejuvenates you, makes you stronger, and gives you the courage to pick them back up again when needed.  May you find your own serenity...whether it's through meditation, fun with family and friends, or by surrounding yourself in nature and the beauty around you!

     

Happy Father's Day!

A sense of humor is a glorious thing!  It gives you the ability to find the positive in even the most difficult situations, that threaten the very fabric of your sanity!  It is a rare ability to be able to laugh in the face of fear, and turn that humor onto yourself...laughing at your own mistakes and the strange moments you sometimes find yourself in.  I learned all about the subtleties of humor, and the healing power of laughter from my father.  And so in celebration of Father's Day (June 19th,) let me tell you some funny stories about the man who taught me to laugh, and still to this day puts a smile on my face!

I may have mentioned before how popular my father is.  If not...well, I'll tell you now--he's very POPULAR!  Not just in an 'everyone seems to like him' sort of way, but in an 'everyone knows his NAME' sort of way.  It was a lot like growing up with that guy Norm from Cheers...minus all the beer.  Wherever we would go throughout my childhood, and I really mean wherever...we would always run into someone who knew him.  This could be someone he met from church, his years working for the state...even from when he was a child.  Sounds kind of cool, right?  Well, it could be I guess...but for people like my mother and me who lean toward the shy side, hearing strangers yell my father's name anytime we left the house was a little disconcerting!  It has become a running joke between us, as his numerous fans constantly cause me to roll my eyes and sigh...so when I am not around to enjoy it first-hand, he makes sure to call me at the next opportunity to share the latest 'fan club' news.  Once a few years ago we all went out to The Outback Restaurant to have dinner.  A woman in her 80's passed by, helped down the stairs by her daughter.  I thought nothing of it, and continued following my father toward the steps.  The next thing I knew, this well seasoned voice rang out with enthusiasm, "Is that N?"  Oh, lord...I thought to myself.  Here we go AGAIN.  It turns out she lived on his street when he was just 4 years old...and recognized him 70 years later!  It is quite amazing that my father commands such a presence, as to be recognized after that length of time...and the look on her face as he turned around to greet her shone with the same joy I see on all the other strangers' faces.  They all feel better just to know him!  (I still want to roll my eyes when it happens, and often wish I could just melt into the background...but it is what it is!)

I know my mother is thinking You'll make his head swell with all your talk! and she's probably right...though I was warned that I had to come up with an even better Father's Day post, after I posted about my mom on her special day.  And so I had to boost his ego just a little bit!  But the last thing I want to do is give you the wrong impression...my father is not just about the fans, and the popularity.  He is also smart, funny and often goofy...and able to laugh at himself at every turn.  Specific stories stick out in my head, such as the time he 'cheated death' while trying to complete the simple task of mowing the lawn at camp!  He ended up in a sink hole, clinging desperately to the lawn mower to keep from falling deeper.  He has actually cheated death a few times, and loves to tell the story of when he was 2 years old and riding in the back seat of the family station wagon...they turned a sharp corner and the door next to my father flew open--and out flew my dad!  Luckily it was winter, and he was wearing one of those super-padded one piece snowsuits with a hood.  He came out of that one surprisingly unscathed!  And along with the strange situations my father has found himself in throughout his life, there are also those silly moments he loves to talk about...such as the time he saw Stevie Wonder walking through a train station, and enthusiastically began waving hello, to the amusement of his co-workers!  Or the time he demonstrated his wonderful fashion sense to all of my 13 year old peers, as he picked me up at the end of summer camp wearing a white dress shirt with purple flowers, tan shorts, black socks pulled up to the knees and sandals.  No, really...I'm still trying to forget that one!

In the face of all the fans, bad fashion and silly moments, there is one consistent thing--my father's sense of humor!  He taught me it was okay to laugh at myself and at life, and so far it has helped me get through it.  When things are at their worst I may cry and yell and even get angry, but at the end of the day I turn to humor to find my way.  So, thank you Dad, for teaching me how!  And to all of my regular readers--you will not see another post from me until after the 26th of June, as I am headed up to Schroon Lake for a much needed vacation (and there's no internet at camp!)  Hopefully I will come back with many beautiful pictures, and even more funny stories!  Until then, here is an Irish blessing dedicated to all the fathers out there, especially my own...Happy Father's Day!

May the father of us all

bless our oul' fellas,

wherever they might be...

at home in dear old Ireland,

or across the shining sea.

In heaven with the angels

or on earth still with us...

may God be good to the

dear old dad,

the one we love so much!

Courage and Confirmation

Wow, what a week!  I've managed to start a garden, take my secret Capris out of the dresser (and wear them OUTSIDE my apartment,) and win a writing contest without even breaking a sweat! 

Okay...in all honesty I did sweat a little when I walked to the mailboxes in my Capris, and it wasn't just because of the walk.  But I was determined not to let another year go by without finding the courage to wear those pants in public.  Does that sound ridiculous?  Probably...wearing Capris shouldn't take all that much courage.  Though for me that's a step I haven't been brave enough to take until now.  As the poem in my recent post Just Like You may indicate, I draw a lot of stares because of my disability.  And anyone who knows me has figured out that I don't look like Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock, even on one of their bad days...I'm just an average looking woman (who happens to wear braces.)  So I've always figured the stares would just increase beyond what I was willing to tolerate, and despite the summer heat I have never worn anything other than regular pants outside of my own private domain.  Until now!  One of my resolutions was to find that courage, so I dug down deep and forged ahead...and I want you to know--I  even went beyond the short walk to the mailboxes.  I also accompanied my mother to a local nursery, to find the plants for my garden.  And there were lots of people shopping there, all with the same gardening goals in mind.  Did I see the stares??  Yes, though I was determined not to let them stop me.  And I must admit, I made it home without passing out from the intense heat and was none the worse for wear!

Which leads me to my next accomplishment...starting my garden.  Now, I must put this into the proper perspective for you...I didn't actually start a whole garden.  I don't even have a yard!  And I'm not like my friend K who has such a green thumb, she even grows fresh catnip for her cats to enjoy...amidst all the flowers and vegetables she also creates.  Believe me when I tell you that my thumb is BLACK...with a little gangrene on the edges, and some pesky mold spores underneath.  And I wouldn't recognize fresh catnip if it stood up and bit me!  Though I was working very hard on being brave this week, and I was determined to start my own little garden oasis on my back porch, in order to grow my own vegetables.  So I did what every non-gardener (with a thumb so black it's about to fall off) does...I got two Topsy Turvy's and some plants, and said a little prayer!  I chose yellow squash and yellow bell peppers, and followed the TT instructions to the letter.  I know it's kind of like a 'gardening for dummies' option, and there's still a chance my gangrene-encrusted digit will take over...forcing me to buy my yellow vegetables at the grocery store for the rest of my life.  And if that happens, so be it!  I can handle it...after all, I'm a rebel now--I wear tan Capris and show off my braces with pride!  Here I am, world...black, gangrenous thumb and all!!

And now for my last bit of news...the writing contest!  When I entered I didn't actually think I'd win.  Sometimes when you assume the best results will happen, the let-down is so much bigger when you fail.  So the easiest thing for me to do was to assume I wouldn't be chosen, and that way the disappointment would be minimal...though lo and behold, the opposite happened!  I've never won a contest before, other than once when I won $100 at the track.  That was certainly a good thing, and I wouldn't turn my nose up at another $100...but winning a writing contest is somehow different.  After all, winning the money was pure luck, because I chose the right horse.  Having my poem picked as the winner gives me confirmation of my writing abilities, and lets me know that it touched someone's heart.  And it will be shared with others, hopefully giving them something to think about...which will assist me in my quest to raise awareness for CMT.

So now that I have taken steps to fertilize some new growth in my life, I can check off some goals on my resolution list.  I am by no means done, and will still have to face my demons when the temperature gage hits 90 again and I have errands to run.  Hopefully I will pull those Capris out of the drawer every time, pushing my fears aside until there are no more fears to move.  I'll try my best to keep my new yellow plants alive despite my past history, and if I am lucky I will be reaping the rewards soon.  Most of all I will continue to open myself up to new opportunities that come my way, especially any writing contests--even the ones that require me to stand up in front of others and read my work.  That will take a whole new brand of courage that I have not yet found...though I know I can get there--if I take just one BRAVE step, at a time.